I had to take codeine for back pain once.
I was laid up in bed just eating, watching films, playing playstation and taking codeine.
While getting full company pay.
Pretty awesome week to be honest!
Until it came to the end of the week.
Back was still pretty bad but i felt ok to move so i went and got some food.
While making it i suddenly had a bit of stomach pain…and i thought ‘When is the last time i took a shit?’
I felt that cold panic in my veins…im not sure why because i had no idea what was waiting for me in the next few hours to come.
I stopped making my food and went to the toilet.
After about 40 minutes of sitting down i realised something was not right.
I felt like i needed to go…but at the same time i felt like nothing was their at the gate.
After another 20 minutes my body seemed to kick in and i felt the pressure.
It was like a bear trying to force its way through a garden hose.
My body had taken over and was obsessed with trying to squeeze this bastard out of my loop.
3 hours went by and with every squeeze i managed to get the poop tip out…then i got exhausted and relaxed my butt muscles and the cold tip was sucked up inside my butt…it felt horrid..a bit like being buggered by a snowman.
I was exhausted and panicking.
Then i realised my husband had some suppositories from when he was sick.
Instead of the 1 that was recommended i decided to dose myself a propper selfish dose after a risk assessment and managed to get 3 of them up my butt by fingering them pass the tip of the brown iceberg.
It was then i felt it.
It was as dry as a log that a squirrel sits on eating nuts in the summer breeze.
I laid down and waited for the suppositories to kick in.
After about 20 mins of crying like a bitch i felt the sensation of a power drill in my arse.
It was time.
The troubles then really started reaching their climax.
My whole butt and gut was trembling like a military army ordering the turd out of my body.
But (Butt) my body wasnt capable of expelling this dry log devil matter from the fiery gate of hell.
After about half an hour of agony as the chemicals twisted in my gut i think i lost consciousness with the repeated clenching of my muscles.
I came round slumped on the toilet floor with the poop tip stuck out of my arse like the moon landing flag.
I made note of the kids toy under the bath that my kid had been crying about for a few days after losing it…but now wasnt the time.
I had to take drastic measures.
I got into the shower and twisted the end of the power shower to its most powerful jet and squirted the water in my butt.
I sharted out the remaining suppositories with a sound ill never forget.
It was like a drowning dragon.
But still…the log would not budge.
I looked up in prayer and something caught my eye.
My husbands electric toothbrush.
Yes….yes tools!! Like the first man first rubbing those twigs together to make fire i grabbed my tool..but this wasnt the time to masturbate so i grabbed the toothbrush instead…turned it on and rammed it up Muddy Waters.
I decapitated the beast and its head rolled like a pebble in a wave…down my bath into the plug hole.
Elated i kept brushing my butthole and squeezing..and jetting water until all at once it all rushed out..a tsunami of pebble like plops…it was like a beautiful machine gun fire..like a scene from saving private ryan.
The relief washed over me…and so did alot of poop and i collapsed back into the bath and slipped out of consciousness.
When i woke up…i was laying in about 7 inches of shit water.
The plug…the plug was blocked by this rock hard poop and i was laying in it in extacy.
The extacy soon wore off and i realised how terrible this all was.
I then had to spend a good hour trying to pick each pebble out and dropping it into the toilet.
I think they were breeding…it was endless.
Finally the last one was found and i squashed the beasts head through the plughole and bleached the area like the crime scene it was.
While i showered pink water ran down from my butthole…it would never be the same again.
I imagine it now has PTSD.
I put one of my period pads in my pants and went to finish cooking my food.
I looked out of the kitchen window to see a little squirrel sitting on my lawn.
His face twitching away.
‘Cunt’ i thought to myself.
And chased him for no other reason than he was small and my butt hurt.
Whenever i hear that phrase ‘Butthurt’ i remember that day……..forever….in my dreams.